What’s the best way to choose a counsellor? There are so many therapists who all say similar things about themselves, how do you pick one out? If you’re reading this and live in or near Basingstoke, you might be trying to decide whether I am the right counsellor for you, or perhaps you’ve looked at a few therapists online and are wondering who to choose, either for yourself or a friend or family member.
This blog gives a few tips to help you work out what you might want or need from a counsellor and explains some of the things counsellors say about themselves on websites and online directories.
It’s personal
Choosing a counsellor is a personal thing. In counselling, you’ll almost certainly be discussing aspects of your personal life and potentially sharing your most private thoughts and feelings, some of which you might never have told anyone else before. So it’s important you feel able to do this — but what makes it possible?
We know from the everyday experiences of people in therapy, along with decades of academic research, that the most important factor in what makes counselling helpful is the ‘therapeutic relationship’ — not the specific things a therapist might say or do but how you work together, what it feels like being with your counsellor in the sessions and the collaborative connection between you.
This doesn’t mean you need to find a counsellor who is like you or who is like the people you get on with in other parts of your life. Therapy is a different kind of relationship. For it to be helpful you need to feel listened to, understood, accepted and to know that your counsellor is genuine — that they are not putting on an act and that they are authentically interested in you and your concerns.
All of this is important because you need to feel safe enough to discuss what is making you unhappy, which might not feel easy or comfortable. Talking about things can be hard work and painful feelings might come to the surface, so it really helps if you know that your therapist is okay with this difficult stuff, that they will not change the subject or overly comfort you but instead can be with you sensitively and thoughtfully, with the courage to step into the darker or more complicated areas with compassion, patience and respectful curiosity.
This makes choosing a counsellor a subjective decision — it’s about what you think and feel. There is no league table of better or worse counsellors, and training and experience only tell us so much about whether someone is right for you. A recommendation from a trusted friend, family member or colleague can be useful but this might not be available, nor will someone else’s experience of a therapist be the same as yours — we all have different needs and preferences, likes and dislikes. So what else should inform your choice?
A few questions
As you’re looking through different counsellors, it’s worth considering some questions about who they are and how they practice. There’s no universally right or wrong answer to any of these questions, but they will give you a flavour of what your prospective therapist is all about.
Practicalities are important: how do you want to meet? Online, on the phone or in person? There’s a lot to be said for actually going somewhere and being in a room with someone, and then leaving again, but in-person sessions might not be possible or preferable for you. If you are looking to speak to someone face-to-face, what environment do they work in? Some therapists work from home and some from business premises or a building shared with other therapists. Which would you be more comfortable with?
When do they offer appointments — is it when you are free? And what are the costs — is the fee affordable given that therapy can sometimes involve many sessions? Does the counsellor offer reduced rates for those on low incomes?
What about their identity? Is it important to you that your counsellor understands or shares e.g. your gender, sexuality, culture or heritage?
Is their experience and training extensive, recent or varied? Have they only worked in private practice or do they have experience in other sectors, like charities, the NHS or education? And what about the general feel of their website or directory listing — is it relaxed, welcoming, professional? Which are you drawn to?
What concerns does the counsellor say they specialise in? On internet directories, many counsellors tick lots of boxes in the section 'Areas of counselling I deal with’ but it just means they are happy to work with those issues, not that they have specialist training or experience. Not being a 'specialist', by the way, is not necessarily a bad thing. Taking a more general or holistic approach, rather than homing in on one area, can have its own benefits.
Some technical terms
You’ll see initials next to counsellors’ names like BACP, UKCP and NCPS. These are professional organisations, some of which, like the ones mentioned here, are overseen by the Professional Standards Authority. All therapists should be registered with an organisation because it means they agree to uphold certain professional and ethical standards and can be complained against if they fall short.
As for the titles ‘counsellor’ and ‘psychotherapist’, there is disagreement in the profession about whether there are any real differences between counselling and psychotherapy, and many practitioners use both these terms (plus ‘therapist’ and ‘therapy’) interchangeably, as I have done here.
You’ll also notice that counsellors use other phrases to describe how they work, such as ‘person-centred’, ‘integrative’ and ‘psychodynamic’. These relate to various groups of ideas, or ‘schools’, in psychology that the counsellor has trained in and uses in their practice. I recommend reading through the ‘Types of Therapy’ section at this webpage: What is Counselling?, which has lots of other useful information. Note that many therapists say they use a range of approaches but most will have a ‘core model’ or main way of working derived from these theories. Which one appeals to you?
Go with your gut?
This could all feel a bit daunting and off-putting. Remember, you can always have a chat on the phone or online with a counsellor to get a feel for them, or try an initial session, which might be offered at a reduced fee, and then change your mind and try a different therapist. This happens a fair bit and as a counsellor I’m never offended if someone chooses to go elsewhere. Avoid any therapist who pressures you to continue with them.
In reality I think many people look for a therapist online and pick someone whose photo or website they like. I recently had some therapy (yes, therapists have therapy too!) and when I was considering my shortlist I realised they all had a welcoming smile on their website photo. I think this shows that in relationships we often go with ‘gut instinct’ and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Whether or not we get a ‘good feeling’ about someone can be a useful guide; there can be wisdom in our intuitive sense of how well we might get on with someone else. But when choosing a therapist it’s also worth thinking things through a bit more. After all, that’s part of what counselling is about — understanding the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of our connection with others.
If you are looking for a counsellor, I hope this has helped a bit and that you find someone who you can work with. Please get in touch if you have any questions about my practice or would like to try an initial session.
Andy
